My first post to a blog ever

Well, I am enterring a new world today, that of blogging. I guess this is a good place to get out how I am feeling. We have been involved in the adoption process for about a year. We received our referal on November 20th and we have a court date of January 17th. I am very excited about making the trip, but it seems to be more a combination of anxiety crossed with stess and sadness. How do we plan a trip when we don't know when we are leaving.? How do you get excited when you think of all the things that are going on in the background to make the trip a success? How do you feel excitement about making a trip to take children away from the only home they've known, even if you know that you are doing it to help them? How do you feel happiness when you are only helping two when you know that your role is much larger? How do you prepare yourself mentally to help two innocent little boys say goodbye to their father and grandmother for the last time? How do you feel happiness when you imagine what your children would feel if you were to die and then those same children, your children, were taken to a foreign land of plenty? A land of strangers. A land where the language is different. A land where you only know only your brother.

I feel honored to be given the title of adopted mother. I do not take it lightly. I spend a great deal of time contemplating how to make this work wonderfully. I have three biological children who I love tremendously. I want the adoption to enrich our family and the lives of our new little boys. I wonder how long I should stay home with my new sons, who are 5 and 6. I wonder, will I be able to give everyone the attention they need. I pray that I will be enough.

I wonder how I will fit us all into our house. Then, I remember that our 4 bedroom home is a palace to someone with no home. I go crazy thinking of all the things that I need to organize, as though organzing belongings, of which my new son's have none, will magically make everything perfect and the transition smooth. If I organize everything, have perfect schedules and perfect menus then we will attach. We all know that bonding is not created from schedules, although, I do think that comfort foods have their role.

As my biological son climbs into bed with me for the oh 10th night in a row, I ask him what does he think will happen when our new sons arrive. He says, "Don't worry mom, I'll still have time for you." Tears well in my eyes, cause that is yet another concern. How much of my son will be gone from me as he forms new sibling bonds. Then I wonder out loud, I wonder if my new son's will want to sleep in my bed? Will they take comfort from me...and I from them....

Sometimes I think that I must be very crazy. I have an amazing family with great kids who are thriving. Some would say, and are quick to say, "why would you chance this, your kids and family are great". My only answer is that I know that this is the way we are to complete our family. This truly is a dream come true. Anyone that has ever followed a dream knows that the closer you get to milestones, the harder it feels and the more you want to withdraw. As God's children, we always are given what we require and call upon. It is alway us who stops just short of the goal. There are no promises of things being easy. I do believe that it is up to us to create the fun and see it positively and to stay in the light. Why is there always so much darkness waiting to swallow us up?

The kids got bikes for Christmas from their grandparents. I took them bikeriding. One on a bike too big for her, without training wheels. One with a bike the right size, without training wheels for the first time yesterday. One a her first big girl bike with training wheels. I wonder such mundane things as, can my new boys ride bikes and how will I teach three kids to ride at the same time. I wonder what it will feel like split bike time betweeen five kidss.

My oldest daughter told me the other night that she thinks we should get one more child, a girl the same age as her...I wonder if she really means it and why she didn't tell me before now.

Thoughts from a soon to be adoptive mother while her husband and three children play at the gym.